There's Levels To This Shit

So I'm here, on the dating scene in 2017 and to be perfectly honest, I haven't been in a true relationship since 2006.  I could (and will at some point) entertain and amuse you with stories about the guy who only lasted until we discovered he's a psychopath about how his popcorn has to be made using a microwave that has a rack or the other guy that left me after three weeks to propose to his ex like I'm some perverted version of good luck Chuck but those are stories for another day.  Today I'm going to give you a rundown of my rules for dating in 2017, or the levels/steps I've come up with for the evolution of relationships in this day and age.  Now feel free to add or subtract as you see fit because I made these rules up and they work for me, but I encourage you to come up with something that works for you, because let's be real, it's not safe in these streets going out there with no plan.

Now some of you are probably in committed relationships or married and you're thinking, no way it's this complicated.  But the truth is, dating these days is even more complicated than you can possibly imagine.  This is the most elementary way I can think of to describe how it works and basically since there don't seem to be any rules or guidelines, I made up my own.  Feel free to steal them.

Let's start with level 0.  Oh yes, that's right...there's a level that isn't even a level yet. There's got to be somewhere to start, and more importantly somewhere to send people when they get knocked down a level.  So level zero.  This is the level where you first meet someone.  It doesn't matter how.  You can meet them at a gas station, through a friend, online, walking down the street...literally anywhere goes. I met a guy yesterday through his mom at the salon (our moms started talking and the rest is a really ridiculous, yet totally true story).  Point is, what matters is that you're attracted or interested enough in them to provide them with a way of reaching you in the future.  Now, you may think it's a simple hop skip and jump straight to the phone number...but you'd be wrong.  Depending on your level of attraction to this person, they may get your Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat handle, which gives them a way to communicate with you and get to know the type of person you are, with the least amount of commitment to them because the block button is available and encouraged at this level.  If they're cute and the "it" factor is there and you know a first date is imminent, you give them your actual phone number.  Not the batphone/pimp phone/Whatsapp digits, but your real actual number because they've made their first inroad into your life!  And that basically sums up level 0. It consists of a person that has a way of reaching you due to initial interest, someone you converse with and either determine that they're not worth your time, or they are worthy of moving to the next level of dating, which is level 1.  Let's go.

Oh hi!  You made it to level 1!  Let me tell you a little bit about it.  Let's start by breaking the bad news to you.  You're definitely not the only one on this level. For anyone.  Ever.  No really, I promise.  NEVER.  This level is for anyone that didn't get dismissed and left at step zero.  This basically means it's been determined that you're not a sociopath, you don't eat little puppies or have strange sexual proclivities that have come up on 2am phone calls (your subtle way of making sure they don't live with another woman) and whether or not they may or may not be dateable, but you're willing to stick in there and find out more.  So level 1 is the first level which I refer to as a purgatory level, because you can be here for a minute or a year.  There's a guy that I've been on this level with since like 2011.  And there's no limit to the amount of men you have on this level, because at this point you're just texting, talking, sharing snaps, nothing that would keep you from running for Congress one day.  You might just text good morning and good evening ad nauseum (there are men who will literally JUST do this every day for a year and swear they have serious game--probably reading this right now..yes YOU *waves*) but you just let them be. No pushing at this level, because here we're trying to decide what "this" actually is and your only expectation of the person is to show you who they really are.  There are so many categories at this point that it'd be impossible to type out all of the circumstances for level one.  But here's the beauty of level 1 you can be on this level with multiple people at multiple different sub-levels, because at this point, there is nothing monogamous about it.  You're talking to them through the day, you're going on dates, you're hanging out...just to see which one, if any are worth of moving to level 2. I'll tell you right now so it doesn't come as a surprise to you later...most men never make it past this level. And the reasons range the gamut so really there just isn't time to name them all.  It doesn't even really matter, because this stage is one that should be done ruthlessly and with a savage intent on making sure that you don't keep anyone around just because they're cute or convenient (like that "work husband" that always brings you coffee in the mornings).  So you've been talking to these guys, and the cream begins to rise to the top and one starts to set himself aside (in your feelings).  You care just a little bit more when it's him.  This guy that makes you smile when you see a text from him, who's calls you always answer, the one you will get off the phone with your friends to talk to.  He let's you know in some way, shape or form that he's interested in dating you exclusively.  And you're down for it and ready to drop the other level 1's for a chance at more with this person.  So on to level 2.  Let's get into it.

Ah level 2.  This is the most complicated level and is also a purgatory level.  First, you have to make sure you're using your best judgment.  The worst part about level two is that you may end up on this level all alone.  Oh sure, he'll claim he wants to just date you, but do you believe him?  Do his actions show this?  All that attention you were getting from all of the level one guys, is he doing enough to satisfy that emotional void that might be left?  If so, great!  Have fun!  Have sex!  You're not a girlfriend yet, but at this point neither of you should be talking to or communicating with anyone else on any other level.  Those ex's should be out of the picture.  Neither of you should be sleeping with anyone else.  Level 2 is all about focusing on one person.  You're still just dating, like in level one, but the difference is that you are only dating ONE PERSON.  This is imperative.  The whole point of level 2 is to see if this one specific person has the capability of keeping all of your needs met by himself.  Does he hold your attention?  Does he make you pick up your phone wishing it was him, only to find out that it's your sister yet again?  Where is he? If you go more than a day without hearing from level 2 guy, he's really a level 0 guy, I can promise you that with assurance.  RUN girl.  Are you left with questions? Do you talk to him sometimes and want to pull a Say My Name a la Beyoncé?  Shove him back to level one or boot him all the way back to zero with the lack of privileges that come with those levels.  It's fine, no love lost. I've definitely moved people back to level 1 and left them there for good...sure we can hang out but you get no level 2 access sir.  However, if everything looks good, you're all clear for level three.

Level three is simple.  Clear cut, committed relationship time.  He claims you and vice versa.  You start appearing in each others lives, your friends meet, you know his sister, you pop up as his WCW, you go to the family barbecue, you meet his children.  You're HER.  When a man tries to get to level 0, you let him know you're with someone.  It's that simple.  You're happy, he's happy and you both work to keep one another there every day.  And then eventually...

You get to step four, which is something along the lines of engagement.  You don't have to actually be engaged because that's just not realistic nowadays (in my opinion).  You may just decide to move in with one another.  You may decide to get married, but you're just living together and talking about it, saving up for it, whatever people on step four do.  I wouldn't know, but I'm sure it's not all sunshine and unicorn hugs, so there is the chance that it will eventually end up back at level zero, or make the gigantic leap to...

Step five which is marriage.  I got nothing on that one except make damn sure to look before you leap.

We don't accept demotions (I know we've been dating, but let's be FWB now---*pssh*).  NO going backwards.  Onward and upward or nothing at all.  This is your life, maybe the rest of it, so don't settle for less than butterflies and rainbows damnit.

That, my friends in a nutshell are the levels that I have given to dating in these days of the easily dismissed, deleted and denied.  It's often fun and adventurous, and sometimes it's heartbreaking and soul crushing.  But in the end, everyone you meet was in your life for a reason or a lesson and every situation should be taken as such.  Learn what you can, and do your best to do no harm and everything should work out just fine. 

If I could only give one piece of advice to every person on the planet, it would be...BE HONEST!  Stop lying people!  Do you know just how much you can get away with by being honest?  Do you know how freeing it is?  Do you know how much you learn by being transparent and expecting it in return?  Honesty is the magic potion to dating, I swear. 

I lied, I have one more piece of advice.  Listen up, because this one is really important.  DO NOT..under any circumstances, take advice from people who are not where you want to be.  If that friend that is always calling you complaining about her man, or even worse, HAS NO MAN is telling you what you should and shouldn't do, that person is NOT the one to listen to.  You don't learn to fish by asking a dancer, or learn to draw by asking a runner.  Seems like it should be common sense, but leaning on the everlasting well intentioned advice of a friend is gonna get you nothing but a silent phone. This applies to me and my blog too ironically...but we have to start somewhere people.

Good luck and best wishes to you all!  Share your thoughts in the comment section below.  Do you agree?  Am I way off?  What are your experiences?