Trash Panda Men

 The dating pool is rougher than anyone that has been out of it for any length of time can possibly imagine.  Not only is it filled with men just lounging around the pool, not even sure if they want to get in or not, but there is a not often discussed predator, lurking beneath the murky waters.  I'm talking about the bottom feeding men that are actually already in a relationship, yet refuse to get out of the water. 

Today we aren't even going to discuss the men that are half in, half out of a relationship.  We won't go over the men that are essentially living with a woman and doing everything good men do in relationships, happy as they can be, but with a complete and abject refusal to define, categorize or give the situationship a name.  No, we'll save that for later.

I'm talking about the married, or in committed relationship men.  The ones that never post their wives and girlfriends, but if you go to the woman's page, you see a storybook relationship of trips, cute moments and memories being made.  I'll give you two examples from last night.

My three besties and I decided to have a nice dinner.  All we wanted to do was hang out together, have some good food and just bask in the glory that is the magical combination of good food with even better friends.  We show up and we even wait the hour and a half wait time just to be seated in the Rosa Parks section next to the kids and the bathroom.  You see, there were plenty of empty tables by that time, but they sat us there because the other tables were being saved for couples.  On dates.  We were in the, don't disturb the ambiance or romance, section.  If the restaurant would have been a Thanksgiving dinner, they sat us at the kiddie table.  But I digress.

So we're laughing, talking, saying outrageous things to the waitress (okay that was just me) and just genuinely having some healing friendship/bonding time.

In walks a man and his beautiful girlfriend or wife.  She sits facing us, he sits facing the door.  This is a pretty common arrangement, because all men secretly expect that they'll spot trouble walking in the door and act accordingly I suppose.

The one of us that was sitting on the outside notices first.  This man is LITERALLY about to dislocate his head from his shoulders turning around to look at us.  He can't help himself and it's painfully obvious.  He's completely distracted from the moment that they're supposed to be creating, he keeps turning around like someone yelled his name.  Once I notice, I discover just how much he's actually turning to look.  There's no way his wife/girlfriend didn't notice, because it was everything unlucky thirteen seconds or so.  We point it out to the girls that can't see, and then they notice how blatant it is as well.

One of us gets up to use the restroom and that's when a decision is clearly made.  We look up to notice some activity at their table.  Y'all.  I shit you not, HE HAS ASKED THIS WOMAN TO SWITCH PLACES WITH HIM. We're thinking that he clearly has lost his mind and she must be unaware, because surely not.

Now his neck is saved.  He's a trash panda.

Next day...

We post pictures on facebook of our quartet and I see a friend request pop up.  I don't get friend requests very often, because I'm already friends with everyone I've known since grade school and I don't meet new people often.  I did a cursory look of his page and saw we had no friends in common.  But I saw that one of the girls in my group had liked one of his pictures.  He's not a bad looking guy and most of the comments are women leaving "hey handsome" comments so I'm wondering why he's single in the first place.  Since my friends are natives to Charleston and I am not, I usually run new guys by them.  So I ask if anyone knows him and I'm told he likes of the girls in my friend group.  I fall asleep, and I wake up to an inbox message from this man.  I must have accidentally accepted him when I was looking at his page (What an amateur).  I decide to entertain this foolishness for the sake of the blog and I respond.  I ask him how he found me since we have no friends in common and he says I'm attractive and he's a cool dude.  I'm like, oh are you sure it wasn't from my friend's picture?  He's like, Huh?  Oh no I was just browsing and you came up.  Sure, because that's how the facebook algorithm works.  He asks if he can introduce himself and I'm like OH THIS WILL BE GOOD.  

At this point, I go back to the friend group and I just flat out ask my friend what's up with this guy?  And she's like HE'S CRAZY that's what.  Oh damn.  I should have asked sooner.  Then I discover that while I was asleep, he inboxed another one of us.  So now he's at 3 out of 4 women in ONE group of friends.  I'm so mad I missed her epic response to him.  She basically told him she's single but he isn't and she knows because she they're friends on IG.  He responds "I'm not single but I'd like to be friends" (this will be covered in a later blog when I discuss how there must surely be a fuckboi handbook because they all say the same things in the same situations). She tells him that his partner looks happy and he should work to keep it that way and that he doesn't want these problems."  He responds that he's not happy but he's trying (Chapter 6 line 4 of the handbook) and that he wants all the smoke. Gross. She lets him know he looked happy in the video yesterday.

He blocked her.

So now we're in the group chat, discussing how we keep respecting the relationships of these men that could clearly give not one single damn about protecting the women they've committed to and he calls me.  I reject it.  He calls again.  I reject it again (I was still catching up on the previous conversation my friends had with him).  So he sends a paragraph long biography where he says he's divorced and likes to keep a small circle.  He wants to build a friendship and let it flourish with communication and honesty.

By this point, I'm all caught up, so I send him a screenshot of the message he shared with my friend (with her permission) and told him that I agree with her and he should put all of this energy into figuring out how to improve or get out of his current situation.

He blocked me too.

Yeah buddy, I'm the problem.  Do these men realize that it is never flattering, but rather the actual definition of disheartening?  I think not.

In conclusion, there are some things you should know.  There are women out here rooting for other women. We are protecting the sanctity of your marriage or relationship because we don't want our happiness to come at the expense of another.  Those men are going to cheat, they're going to be emotionally unavailable.  They're going to do you dirty.  Not all men, but those men.  But just know, they are fervently seeking out women that are willing to put up with that shit.  It isn't every single woman.  It's the single women that are also trash pandas. Just know that so many of us want to be in a happy and healthy relationship and it is very disheartening to discover that all that glitters is rarely real gold, and simply just the fool's kind.

I've been a fool before.  Many times.  If you see any signs that things are not what they seem.  Honey, they aren't. Trust.  But verify.

ETA: This blog was written before I was aware that the King of All Trash Pandas, Derrick Jaxn, would be making headlines with his incredibly predictable cheating.  Leave your thoughts below...let's discuss!

There's Levels To This Shit

So I'm here, on the dating scene in 2017 and to be perfectly honest, I haven't been in a true relationship since 2006.  I could (and will at some point) entertain and amuse you with stories about the guy who only lasted until we discovered he's a psychopath about how his popcorn has to be made using a microwave that has a rack or the other guy that left me after three weeks to propose to his ex like I'm some perverted version of good luck Chuck but those are stories for another day.  Today I'm going to give you a rundown of my rules for dating in 2017, or the levels/steps I've come up with for the evolution of relationships in this day and age.  Now feel free to add or subtract as you see fit because I made these rules up and they work for me, but I encourage you to come up with something that works for you, because let's be real, it's not safe in these streets going out there with no plan.

Now some of you are probably in committed relationships or married and you're thinking, no way it's this complicated.  But the truth is, dating these days is even more complicated than you can possibly imagine.  This is the most elementary way I can think of to describe how it works and basically since there don't seem to be any rules or guidelines, I made up my own.  Feel free to steal them.

Let's start with level 0.  Oh yes, that's right...there's a level that isn't even a level yet. There's got to be somewhere to start, and more importantly somewhere to send people when they get knocked down a level.  So level zero.  This is the level where you first meet someone.  It doesn't matter how.  You can meet them at a gas station, through a friend, online, walking down the street...literally anywhere goes. I met a guy yesterday through his mom at the salon (our moms started talking and the rest is a really ridiculous, yet totally true story).  Point is, what matters is that you're attracted or interested enough in them to provide them with a way of reaching you in the future.  Now, you may think it's a simple hop skip and jump straight to the phone number...but you'd be wrong.  Depending on your level of attraction to this person, they may get your Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat handle, which gives them a way to communicate with you and get to know the type of person you are, with the least amount of commitment to them because the block button is available and encouraged at this level.  If they're cute and the "it" factor is there and you know a first date is imminent, you give them your actual phone number.  Not the batphone/pimp phone/Whatsapp digits, but your real actual number because they've made their first inroad into your life!  And that basically sums up level 0. It consists of a person that has a way of reaching you due to initial interest, someone you converse with and either determine that they're not worth your time, or they are worthy of moving to the next level of dating, which is level 1.  Let's go.

Oh hi!  You made it to level 1!  Let me tell you a little bit about it.  Let's start by breaking the bad news to you.  You're definitely not the only one on this level. For anyone.  Ever.  No really, I promise.  NEVER.  This level is for anyone that didn't get dismissed and left at step zero.  This basically means it's been determined that you're not a sociopath, you don't eat little puppies or have strange sexual proclivities that have come up on 2am phone calls (your subtle way of making sure they don't live with another woman) and whether or not they may or may not be dateable, but you're willing to stick in there and find out more.  So level 1 is the first level which I refer to as a purgatory level, because you can be here for a minute or a year.  There's a guy that I've been on this level with since like 2011.  And there's no limit to the amount of men you have on this level, because at this point you're just texting, talking, sharing snaps, nothing that would keep you from running for Congress one day.  You might just text good morning and good evening ad nauseum (there are men who will literally JUST do this every day for a year and swear they have serious game--probably reading this right now..yes YOU *waves*) but you just let them be. No pushing at this level, because here we're trying to decide what "this" actually is and your only expectation of the person is to show you who they really are.  There are so many categories at this point that it'd be impossible to type out all of the circumstances for level one.  But here's the beauty of level 1 you can be on this level with multiple people at multiple different sub-levels, because at this point, there is nothing monogamous about it.  You're talking to them through the day, you're going on dates, you're hanging out...just to see which one, if any are worth of moving to level 2. I'll tell you right now so it doesn't come as a surprise to you later...most men never make it past this level. And the reasons range the gamut so really there just isn't time to name them all.  It doesn't even really matter, because this stage is one that should be done ruthlessly and with a savage intent on making sure that you don't keep anyone around just because they're cute or convenient (like that "work husband" that always brings you coffee in the mornings).  So you've been talking to these guys, and the cream begins to rise to the top and one starts to set himself aside (in your feelings).  You care just a little bit more when it's him.  This guy that makes you smile when you see a text from him, who's calls you always answer, the one you will get off the phone with your friends to talk to.  He let's you know in some way, shape or form that he's interested in dating you exclusively.  And you're down for it and ready to drop the other level 1's for a chance at more with this person.  So on to level 2.  Let's get into it.

Ah level 2.  This is the most complicated level and is also a purgatory level.  First, you have to make sure you're using your best judgment.  The worst part about level two is that you may end up on this level all alone.  Oh sure, he'll claim he wants to just date you, but do you believe him?  Do his actions show this?  All that attention you were getting from all of the level one guys, is he doing enough to satisfy that emotional void that might be left?  If so, great!  Have fun!  Have sex!  You're not a girlfriend yet, but at this point neither of you should be talking to or communicating with anyone else on any other level.  Those ex's should be out of the picture.  Neither of you should be sleeping with anyone else.  Level 2 is all about focusing on one person.  You're still just dating, like in level one, but the difference is that you are only dating ONE PERSON.  This is imperative.  The whole point of level 2 is to see if this one specific person has the capability of keeping all of your needs met by himself.  Does he hold your attention?  Does he make you pick up your phone wishing it was him, only to find out that it's your sister yet again?  Where is he? If you go more than a day without hearing from level 2 guy, he's really a level 0 guy, I can promise you that with assurance.  RUN girl.  Are you left with questions? Do you talk to him sometimes and want to pull a Say My Name a la Beyoncé?  Shove him back to level one or boot him all the way back to zero with the lack of privileges that come with those levels.  It's fine, no love lost. I've definitely moved people back to level 1 and left them there for good...sure we can hang out but you get no level 2 access sir.  However, if everything looks good, you're all clear for level three.

Level three is simple.  Clear cut, committed relationship time.  He claims you and vice versa.  You start appearing in each others lives, your friends meet, you know his sister, you pop up as his WCW, you go to the family barbecue, you meet his children.  You're HER.  When a man tries to get to level 0, you let him know you're with someone.  It's that simple.  You're happy, he's happy and you both work to keep one another there every day.  And then eventually...

You get to step four, which is something along the lines of engagement.  You don't have to actually be engaged because that's just not realistic nowadays (in my opinion).  You may just decide to move in with one another.  You may decide to get married, but you're just living together and talking about it, saving up for it, whatever people on step four do.  I wouldn't know, but I'm sure it's not all sunshine and unicorn hugs, so there is the chance that it will eventually end up back at level zero, or make the gigantic leap to...

Step five which is marriage.  I got nothing on that one except make damn sure to look before you leap.

We don't accept demotions (I know we've been dating, but let's be FWB now---*pssh*).  NO going backwards.  Onward and upward or nothing at all.  This is your life, maybe the rest of it, so don't settle for less than butterflies and rainbows damnit.

That, my friends in a nutshell are the levels that I have given to dating in these days of the easily dismissed, deleted and denied.  It's often fun and adventurous, and sometimes it's heartbreaking and soul crushing.  But in the end, everyone you meet was in your life for a reason or a lesson and every situation should be taken as such.  Learn what you can, and do your best to do no harm and everything should work out just fine. 

If I could only give one piece of advice to every person on the planet, it would be...BE HONEST!  Stop lying people!  Do you know just how much you can get away with by being honest?  Do you know how freeing it is?  Do you know how much you learn by being transparent and expecting it in return?  Honesty is the magic potion to dating, I swear. 

I lied, I have one more piece of advice.  Listen up, because this one is really important.  DO NOT..under any circumstances, take advice from people who are not where you want to be.  If that friend that is always calling you complaining about her man, or even worse, HAS NO MAN is telling you what you should and shouldn't do, that person is NOT the one to listen to.  You don't learn to fish by asking a dancer, or learn to draw by asking a runner.  Seems like it should be common sense, but leaning on the everlasting well intentioned advice of a friend is gonna get you nothing but a silent phone. This applies to me and my blog too ironically...but we have to start somewhere people.

Good luck and best wishes to you all!  Share your thoughts in the comment section below.  Do you agree?  Am I way off?  What are your experiences?

Missed Opportunities

So...I am just a little socially awkward.  If you've ever met me, you probably wouldn't think so, because I am great in social situations, but not on one on one settings with men.  If you actually know me you're thinking...uh yeah...DUH.
I just...have the tendency to freeze up.  And then later I'm like, oh I should have said/done this or this.  I mean really, I am vibrant, witty and I have a hilarious sense of humor (lol) but when it comes right down to it, I'm just not a dater, so it makes it hard to interact with the opposite sex.

Case in point.  This morning, on the way to work my gas light came on.  No bueno because I hate stopping for gas, especially during the morning commute!  But I digress. So I stop at the gas station and there is this uber cute guy pumping gas across from me.  He was dressed really nicely, in a sweater with a collared shirt underneath, obviously on the way to work as well.  He looks at me and smiles, and says good morning.  I shyly respond back in kind.  In my head I'm like WTF I'm not shy!  But I actually am.

So I pump my gas and I catch his eye once...twice...three times...FOUR TIMES.  And he's smiling.  And I'm smiling.  And then...nothing.
So then, he drives off (le sigh), looking back, me looking at him thinking DAMN.  So his gas door isn't closed and I think, well he's far enough I'd have to RUN to catch him.  I hesitate, weighing my options and then start to walk toward him.  There's a truck blocking me so he can't actually see me as I begin to walk toward him.
He notices himself (points for observation since in my head I've decided he was so distracted by my beauty that he forgot to close it) and he jumps out of the car.  Again, he can't see me because of the stupid truck.

So he's back in the car and then he's on the street, STILL looking back.
I think...hm, maybe he'll turn around and come back into the gas station. But he doesn't.
*sigh*
I should have said something.  Or he should have.  But maybe that's what life is about, just random encounters where someone lifts you up and brightens your day by letting you know that you don't go unnoticed.
Either way, thank you random gas station guy, for putting a smile on my face.